I forgot...

.. how relaxing Miles Davis can be.

I close my eyes and suddenly...

I sit near a river somewhere, on the grass...
It is nighttime and it is getting a little chilly so I wrap my cardigan around me a little tighter...
Watching people taking a stroll along the waterfront. Behind me the clutter and laughter and talking of people in a Restaurant.
The sound of that longing trumpet...
My body can't help but move to the rhythm..

So I am sitting here - on my couch with a glass of wine - listening to Miles
and I am far, far away...

My 2009 so far...

a great sea of uncertainty
depth unknown
no directions, no signs
swimming toward land I can not see
struggling through the pain
fighting the current
an sense of helplessness
so tired
...
exhaustion comes fast
...
treading water
...
praying for a lifeline

Christmas - a midwinters tale...

So....
22nd:
the Basement flooded and we spent most of the afternoon cleaning it all up instead of preparing for the guest we were expecting that evening - I ended up uninviting them... also had to throw away about 20 pairs of shoes that got drenched and various other bits...



23rd:
kids have still not tidied up their room - spirits are low all round and you can cut the atmosphere with a knife


24th:
kids have finally managed to tidy up their room (which lasted for about 2 hours) and we are preparing to have a nice Christmas


25th:
wake up at about 4am feeling absolutely rotten and spend the next hour on the loo - terrible stomach bug - end up canceling Christmas dinner, well postponing it anyways
kids were surprised to find no presents under the tree apart from the contents of their stockings even though we told them that there would be no presents...
mind they did get some DVD's from my Dad so we ended up watching WALL.E and Prince Caspian - taking it easy



26th:
feeling much better - Christmas dinner back on the menu - had my mum and brother round - surprisingly it went down without any major arguments or fights - it was actually nice!
Oh but I broke my kitchen sink... well the tap anyways..
We watched WALL.E again!





To be continued...

Another Christmas

So once again Christmas has crept un on us - way too fast and completely unexpected. This year however Christmas does not feel like Christmas at all.
The Kids are being... well kids I suppose...
Puberty has taken a strong footing in this household and it it is driving me crazy, fast rather than slowly... Probably as much as it is driving them nuts.

I can't remember the last time I saw the floor in their room, I stopped ironing their cloths, it seems like eons ago (not that I ever liked to iron in the first place), I have to say everything like a gazillion times and I stopped expecting a truthful and straightforward answer for anything...

My body is failing me on a regular basis, the pain gets worse and there is something new adding to it with a frightening regularity.
I am supposed to go to a Christmas concert tomorrow evening and I have not had that little enthusiasm about anything in a long time.

Money is so tight that there will be no presents this year, maybe something small...

Christmas, never had it this little appeal to me. I have not even decorated my house this year apart from a few little bits on my dining room table, have no tree yet and am very close to canceling our yearly get-together on Monday evening.

What is it this year?

The Depression?
The general disregard for the spirit of Christmas?

Why is it all so sad this year?

Nuff said

So,....
how does one start a new blog entry after a long absence? I could try and explain, why I have not written in so long, say that I was busy or justify my lack of motivation with a blasé comment that would insult everyone's intelligence so I have decided to simply not give an explanation, whatsoever and simply pick it back up... :-)

I have been painting again and am currently trying to finish a picture but I am uncertain as to which colour I should use. Maybe you can help me?


I want to add green so here is a chart. Pick your favorite and let me know :-)



Apart from that things have not changed much.
Kids are still being kids, with the added "bonus" that they are becoming Teenagers, fast...
Simon still works in the UK and I am still ill...
I have stopped taking painkillers and it is not easy, I find myself in need of distraction that gets my mind of the pain. One of these distractions is World of Warcraft, which admittetly I play way too much by now, but on the upside I have met some great people on there. And believe it or not, not everyone that lieks to play world of warcraft is a "neird" although give it we are all nuts in one way or another but then again, who wants to be "normal" anyways?

As long as I don't turn up like this dude I think I am ok...



There are some work prospects for me on the horizon and I do hope that it all works out, as my life might actually make that oh so welcome turn for the better, not that I am saying it is "bad" right now, but I could do with it being a little easier! But then again, don't we all...


The one thing I truly regret about haveing withdrawn so much over the last few months is that I have lost contact with a agreat many people, that actually meant a great deal to me.
For those of you who have not given up on me yet:

Your friendship is greatly treasured, even if I have not been able to show this. The messages sent by you, letting me know that you care have slowly made it possible for me to drag myself back out of the very deep whole I was in and am still climbing out of!
Bobert F. Kennedy once said:

Each time a man stands for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

This of course being on a much smaller scale but it has affected and still is affecting me nontheless. Small ripples, that "rocked my boat" :-) (Please excuse the pun).

Thank you!

???

I am trying to find myself and got lost somewhere along the way...
Why is it, that we always stop the things that are good for us?


copyright ©emptycrowdedroom.com

AI Fever - Who will it be?

Well, I know I haven't posted much, again... To be honest, I don't have the patience to post at the moment but that is a long, boring tale I am quite sure you don't want to hear and frankly I don't feel like telling either!
But just to let you know, that I have not fallen off the radar I am posting my current American Idol favourites here for you.
So who do you think will win?
Personally I can't decide between Brooke and the two Davids.
Carly and Michael are both phenomenal singers and they might actually win it.
Jason is pretty cute and I am sure he will make his way in the music industry and Kristy is going to be a country star but I don't think they will win AI.
Well, we will see :-)
Let me know your favourite in comments!
Oh and I have a new Computer as mine just kept crashing so I am slowly but continuously adding all my programmes, and retrieving all my favs... Tedious, boring work.

Me according to Roger & Gallet

Vous êtes une femme zen, équilibrée, curieuse

et philosophe.

Pour vous, la fraîcheur c'est une sensation exquise

pour accéder à la sérénité.

Vos fragrances Roger&Gallet
sont le Thé vert, fragrance
mariant harmonie et apaisement,
et le Bambou, eau de nature
et de vie délicatement parfumée.

Try it yourself here

If you don't speak French, here is a great translator! :-)

Let me know what you are!

Happyness DOES come in boxes!

I got sent some Lucky Charms today!!!!



And you know what? It is almost ridiculous how happy that made me. I almost had tears in my eyes. Lets see, it has been about 10 years since I last had them!

How to be?

I feel like I am fighting the battle of my life right now.
Not with anyone else, but with myself.
I am trying to find the strength to just ignore all the pain and the problems and start living again!
The illnesses have taken too much of a hold on me, they intrude in every aspect of every day life.
It is like constantly having someone tell you "Don't do this" or "You can't do that" !


I can't focus, I have real trouble remembering things, like appointments, phone calls I am supposed to make even stupid things like making sure the kids have packed lunches... (Thankfully they remind me about these sort of things) I am in constant pain even with the painkillers whose side effects leave much to be desired...
Also I am so tired all the time! Quite often I simply fall asleep even while in the middle of a conversation.
I am so sick of plans being foiled by poor health or having to tell my children that I just can't...
I hate the fact that "friends" don't call anymore because I wont be able to go along anyway or that they simply stopped calling altogether. I actually told people to stop asking how I am as they I can never say " Oh I am fine, the illness all of a sudden magically vanished!"
I know I can't make them go away by ignoring them (or maybe I can...?) but I just want my life back!
I want to work, do the job I so love to do!
I want to be able to write THE book I have started so many times (which one it will be wont really matter right now) Someone offered me some help with that and I am really hoping that it will work out.
I want to be the mum my girls deserve!
I no longer want to be "Jeannine who is ill"!
I just want to be!




To be continued...
(I am too tired right now, so I am going to bed)

And they wonder why couples have communication problems...

Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.

Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Me

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (66%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (24%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Overall you appear to be Right Brain Dominant

Simon

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (24%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (74%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant

I guess that sort of explains, well, it explains a lot. And I wondered why we drive each other crazy...
Well, I suppose it is as they say: Opposites attract!
Oh, and I have tried to learn to speak "Simon" and he is continuously improving his "Jeannine", but we still get "lost in translation"...
Good thing I love him, otherwise I would be in trouble...

So I was in hospital...

and guess what...
They still don't know what is wrong exactly...
They "hazarded" a number of guesses and we are following up on some of them now, but the best exclamation made by a doctor on the last few weeks was:
"Maybe we can tell you what you have in about 10 to 15 years, when medicine is a bit more advanced..."
I know have a whole entourage of doctors who are poking and prodding me, taking ounce after ounce of my blood in order to discover just what exactly it is that keeps evading them.

I wish Dr. House was real!!!


I meant the fictional character of course, I am quite aware of the fact, that Hugh Laurie is quite alive and kicking...

I would not even mind the rudeness, just as long as someone can tell me what is going on!
My health insurance hates me by the way...
Oh well, gotta take it all with a very large dose of humor (Does that come in a pill bottle as well?)!



Other than that, life goes its usual rather twisted and bumpy way. My eldest decided that she wants to stop dancing, my youngest has serious cat fights with her teacher, Simon is working himself to death and I am fighting the "never ending battle" with the German bureaucracy!

Oh well, such is life!

Thursday Thirteen # 15 (I think)

Thirteen Things I have gone and done these past few Weeks



1…. Joined

Urbis is a creative community with three types of users: creative people,
those who love and support creative people, and those who have opportunities for creative people. It's very creative.

Do come and join me there! Or at least critique my work! Please???

2…. Joined

Sad but true... Go on have a goggle!

3…. Finally gotten back round to writing my book - Well at least a few paragraphs...

4…. Made an interesting acquaintance on MySpace...

5…. Sorted out my tea cupboard, made an Excel Spreadsheet listing all my teas and where they are on the shelf and stuck it to the front of the cupboard...
Even sadder than joining MySpace, I know...

6…. Laid in bed all day with just about the worst headache in quite a while



7…. Run from one doctors appointment to the next... I hate it!!!

8…. Found out that the medication they have me on is in fact a not so distant cousin of heroin!!!



9…. Took down one Christmas tree and put up another...Well, it made the kids happy!!!! (Thats my story and I am sticking to it!)

10…. Made up some Playlists on



Check them out!

11….Watched a bunch of "Law and Order - SVU" episodes and although almost every single one makes me scared for me and my kids and the world it is almost addictive...

12….Talked to the long lost Relatives in the US several times. It is interesting seeing the kids interaction with them. No word from their "father" though...

13….Helped Simon write his essay about "The Allgäu" for his German course, well he wrote and I corrected, a bit... :-)





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So what if I have become a MySpace junkie...

Well, now it's done it!
I have finally let myself be badgered into having my own MySpace site!!!
It's sad isn't it?
Well, go ahead and have a look and feel pity for me!!!




Oh well, I had a good reason for doing it though...
It gives me the opportunity to keep in touch with my new found old relatives, who almost all have their own MySpace site.

2008... Oh great...

Well, the new year is of to a rough start...
I had a big argument with my friend that was over at New Years, over nothing, really.
Simon had to go back to England on the fifth and somehow parting gets more and more difficult each time.
I am ill, again. But guess what... It is something different this time...
The kids and I have doctors appointments "en masse" next week.
My Dad's dog died.
The money situation is still crap!



And:
My life has just gotten a lot more complicated (as if it wasn't enough already...)

Out of the blue I got an email from my former sister-in-law saying that they have been looking for us for the past seven years and that they want to get in touch again (and stay in touch). Heck I now even know where my ex husband is...
Now all of a sudden, we have Nanny and Papa and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins and most important of all a half brother, that want to have contact with the girls and me. I think it is great!!!
What I am not so sure about is their father.
Of course it is their right to get to know their father, it's just that I know him and from what I heard so far, he hasn't changed much...
I told him to write a letter to his daughters explaining why he has not bothered to get in contact in ten years.
To be perfectly honest, I am not looking forward to having to have conversations with him in the slightest.
At least the girls can go into this without prejudice as I have never said one ill word about him.
My eldest doesn't want to have any contact though, as she says, that he has not cared for the past 10 years, so why should she?
And the little ones first thought was: "What is Daddy going to think?" (Daddy being Simon) She was really worried, that her wanting to get to know her birth father (what she calls him) would hurt Simons feelings which of course both he (Simon) and I assured her would not be the case.
Oh, this is getting way too confusing...

13... parte labing-apat (#14)

In case you are wondering, yes, it is one of my cats sleeping under the tree!

And also, I know my tree is not the prettiest one going but there is a reason to it:

Every year we (in the general sense) go out, looking for the perfect tree. It has to be just right, even, not too thin but not too full, straight and with no holes. It has to be just like we have seen it in pictures...
Why? Why can't our trees be just as faulty as every single one of us?
God does not ask us to be perfect...
He accepts us just the way we are. And just think of all the Christmas trees, we have quickly discarded when searching. Maybe one of them, even with a missing branch here or a bit of a lopsidedness there would have made just the tree our heart was looking for?
Why does everything always have to be perfect...?

We now make it a point to get a tree, that has a fault and make it look the most beautiful tree by pouring our hearts into decorating it.

Thirteen Ornaments hanging on out tree:
1 ….


We bought those 3 years ago because I like how they look like Gingerbread!

2 ….


Acquired by my younger one on the "Christkindl Markt" in Nürnberg

3 ….


My younger ones first Christmas

4 ….


Also my younger ones first Christmas

5 ….


My younger ones third Christmas

6 ….


My Dad gave me those two :-)

7 ….


My eldest first Christmas

8 ….


Also my eldest first Christmas

9 ….


My younger ones second Christmas

10….


Acquired by my elder daughter on the "Christkindl Markt" in Nürnberg

11….


Given to me by my godmother along with a few others. They are handcrafted from straw
12….


Given to my by a very dear friend a long time ago.
13….


A silver wire star I made this year!

There are of course lots more, but as it is Thursday Thirteen....







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Guess what...

Well, it was just about that time again wasn't it...?
I am sick as a dog again with a sore throat and a runny nose and a head like a bear (or in this case a Snuffleupagus)!!!!!



Oh well, at least we had a nice Christmas!
Here is a picture of my tree.
I will hopefully get a better one from my mum... (hint hint)



And as I suspected, the kids have only stopped playing Singstar to eat, sleep and go skiing...
It is wonderful and heartwarming, but I need some of these:



I am off to bed now!
I have to be better when Simon comes on the 30th!!!