I forgot...

.. how relaxing Miles Davis can be.

I close my eyes and suddenly...

I sit near a river somewhere, on the grass...
It is nighttime and it is getting a little chilly so I wrap my cardigan around me a little tighter...
Watching people taking a stroll along the waterfront. Behind me the clutter and laughter and talking of people in a Restaurant.
The sound of that longing trumpet...
My body can't help but move to the rhythm..

So I am sitting here - on my couch with a glass of wine - listening to Miles
and I am far, far away...

My 2009 so far...

a great sea of uncertainty
depth unknown
no directions, no signs
swimming toward land I can not see
struggling through the pain
fighting the current
an sense of helplessness
so tired
...
exhaustion comes fast
...
treading water
...
praying for a lifeline

???

I am trying to find myself and got lost somewhere along the way...
Why is it, that we always stop the things that are good for us?


copyright ©emptycrowdedroom.com

AI Fever - Who will it be?

Well, I know I haven't posted much, again... To be honest, I don't have the patience to post at the moment but that is a long, boring tale I am quite sure you don't want to hear and frankly I don't feel like telling either!
But just to let you know, that I have not fallen off the radar I am posting my current American Idol favourites here for you.
So who do you think will win?
Personally I can't decide between Brooke and the two Davids.
Carly and Michael are both phenomenal singers and they might actually win it.
Jason is pretty cute and I am sure he will make his way in the music industry and Kristy is going to be a country star but I don't think they will win AI.
Well, we will see :-)
Let me know your favourite in comments!
Oh and I have a new Computer as mine just kept crashing so I am slowly but continuously adding all my programmes, and retrieving all my favs... Tedious, boring work.

Me according to Roger & Gallet

Vous êtes une femme zen, équilibrée, curieuse

et philosophe.

Pour vous, la fraîcheur c'est une sensation exquise

pour accéder à la sérénité.

Vos fragrances Roger&Gallet
sont le Thé vert, fragrance
mariant harmonie et apaisement,
et le Bambou, eau de nature
et de vie délicatement parfumée.

Try it yourself here

If you don't speak French, here is a great translator! :-)

Let me know what you are!

Happyness DOES come in boxes!

I got sent some Lucky Charms today!!!!



And you know what? It is almost ridiculous how happy that made me. I almost had tears in my eyes. Lets see, it has been about 10 years since I last had them!

How to be?

I feel like I am fighting the battle of my life right now.
Not with anyone else, but with myself.
I am trying to find the strength to just ignore all the pain and the problems and start living again!
The illnesses have taken too much of a hold on me, they intrude in every aspect of every day life.
It is like constantly having someone tell you "Don't do this" or "You can't do that" !


I can't focus, I have real trouble remembering things, like appointments, phone calls I am supposed to make even stupid things like making sure the kids have packed lunches... (Thankfully they remind me about these sort of things) I am in constant pain even with the painkillers whose side effects leave much to be desired...
Also I am so tired all the time! Quite often I simply fall asleep even while in the middle of a conversation.
I am so sick of plans being foiled by poor health or having to tell my children that I just can't...
I hate the fact that "friends" don't call anymore because I wont be able to go along anyway or that they simply stopped calling altogether. I actually told people to stop asking how I am as they I can never say " Oh I am fine, the illness all of a sudden magically vanished!"
I know I can't make them go away by ignoring them (or maybe I can...?) but I just want my life back!
I want to work, do the job I so love to do!
I want to be able to write THE book I have started so many times (which one it will be wont really matter right now) Someone offered me some help with that and I am really hoping that it will work out.
I want to be the mum my girls deserve!
I no longer want to be "Jeannine who is ill"!
I just want to be!




To be continued...
(I am too tired right now, so I am going to bed)

And they wonder why couples have communication problems...

Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.

Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Me

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (66%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (24%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Overall you appear to be Right Brain Dominant

Simon

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (24%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (74%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant

I guess that sort of explains, well, it explains a lot. And I wondered why we drive each other crazy...
Well, I suppose it is as they say: Opposites attract!
Oh, and I have tried to learn to speak "Simon" and he is continuously improving his "Jeannine", but we still get "lost in translation"...
Good thing I love him, otherwise I would be in trouble...

So I was in hospital...

and guess what...
They still don't know what is wrong exactly...
They "hazarded" a number of guesses and we are following up on some of them now, but the best exclamation made by a doctor on the last few weeks was:
"Maybe we can tell you what you have in about 10 to 15 years, when medicine is a bit more advanced..."
I know have a whole entourage of doctors who are poking and prodding me, taking ounce after ounce of my blood in order to discover just what exactly it is that keeps evading them.

I wish Dr. House was real!!!


I meant the fictional character of course, I am quite aware of the fact, that Hugh Laurie is quite alive and kicking...

I would not even mind the rudeness, just as long as someone can tell me what is going on!
My health insurance hates me by the way...
Oh well, gotta take it all with a very large dose of humor (Does that come in a pill bottle as well?)!



Other than that, life goes its usual rather twisted and bumpy way. My eldest decided that she wants to stop dancing, my youngest has serious cat fights with her teacher, Simon is working himself to death and I am fighting the "never ending battle" with the German bureaucracy!

Oh well, such is life!

Thursday Thirteen # 15 (I think)

Thirteen Things I have gone and done these past few Weeks



1…. Joined

Urbis is a creative community with three types of users: creative people,
those who love and support creative people, and those who have opportunities for creative people. It's very creative.

Do come and join me there! Or at least critique my work! Please???

2…. Joined

Sad but true... Go on have a goggle!

3…. Finally gotten back round to writing my book - Well at least a few paragraphs...

4…. Made an interesting acquaintance on MySpace...

5…. Sorted out my tea cupboard, made an Excel Spreadsheet listing all my teas and where they are on the shelf and stuck it to the front of the cupboard...
Even sadder than joining MySpace, I know...

6…. Laid in bed all day with just about the worst headache in quite a while



7…. Run from one doctors appointment to the next... I hate it!!!

8…. Found out that the medication they have me on is in fact a not so distant cousin of heroin!!!



9…. Took down one Christmas tree and put up another...Well, it made the kids happy!!!! (Thats my story and I am sticking to it!)

10…. Made up some Playlists on



Check them out!

11….Watched a bunch of "Law and Order - SVU" episodes and although almost every single one makes me scared for me and my kids and the world it is almost addictive...

12….Talked to the long lost Relatives in the US several times. It is interesting seeing the kids interaction with them. No word from their "father" though...

13….Helped Simon write his essay about "The Allgäu" for his German course, well he wrote and I corrected, a bit... :-)





Links to other Thursday Thirteens!





Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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So what if I have become a MySpace junkie...

Well, now it's done it!
I have finally let myself be badgered into having my own MySpace site!!!
It's sad isn't it?
Well, go ahead and have a look and feel pity for me!!!




Oh well, I had a good reason for doing it though...
It gives me the opportunity to keep in touch with my new found old relatives, who almost all have their own MySpace site.

2008... Oh great...

Well, the new year is of to a rough start...
I had a big argument with my friend that was over at New Years, over nothing, really.
Simon had to go back to England on the fifth and somehow parting gets more and more difficult each time.
I am ill, again. But guess what... It is something different this time...
The kids and I have doctors appointments "en masse" next week.
My Dad's dog died.
The money situation is still crap!



And:
My life has just gotten a lot more complicated (as if it wasn't enough already...)

Out of the blue I got an email from my former sister-in-law saying that they have been looking for us for the past seven years and that they want to get in touch again (and stay in touch). Heck I now even know where my ex husband is...
Now all of a sudden, we have Nanny and Papa and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins and most important of all a half brother, that want to have contact with the girls and me. I think it is great!!!
What I am not so sure about is their father.
Of course it is their right to get to know their father, it's just that I know him and from what I heard so far, he hasn't changed much...
I told him to write a letter to his daughters explaining why he has not bothered to get in contact in ten years.
To be perfectly honest, I am not looking forward to having to have conversations with him in the slightest.
At least the girls can go into this without prejudice as I have never said one ill word about him.
My eldest doesn't want to have any contact though, as she says, that he has not cared for the past 10 years, so why should she?
And the little ones first thought was: "What is Daddy going to think?" (Daddy being Simon) She was really worried, that her wanting to get to know her birth father (what she calls him) would hurt Simons feelings which of course both he (Simon) and I assured her would not be the case.
Oh, this is getting way too confusing...

Guess what...

Well, it was just about that time again wasn't it...?
I am sick as a dog again with a sore throat and a runny nose and a head like a bear (or in this case a Snuffleupagus)!!!!!



Oh well, at least we had a nice Christmas!
Here is a picture of my tree.
I will hopefully get a better one from my mum... (hint hint)



And as I suspected, the kids have only stopped playing Singstar to eat, sleep and go skiing...
It is wonderful and heartwarming, but I need some of these:



I am off to bed now!
I have to be better when Simon comes on the 30th!!!

Got me pretty much down to a T....

You Should Have a Blue Christmas Tree

For you, the holidays represent a time of calm, understanding, and peace. You avoid family fights, and you don't get too stressed out - even when things are crazy! You like to make Christmas about making everyone's life a little bit better. You don't get caught up in greed or commercialism. You're too sincere for that. Your blue tree would look great with: Lots of silver tinsel You should spend Christmas Eve watching: It's a Wonderful Life What you should bake for Santa: Chocolate chip cookies

What Color Christmas Tree Should You Have?

Apart from the fact, that I would never put up a blue tree and I hate tinsel (because the cats attack it and try to eat it....), this is pretty much me down pat...

Crazy Eight

"Thursday Thirteen" is one post below! Still no winners of the challenge!

Crazy Tag

I was tagged by Mitchypoo

8 Things I’m passionate about

1. My kids! They are the two reasons that make my life worthwhile. Well, most of the time anyways... LOL

2. My fiancé because he is the third best thing that ever happened to me in my life! I love you Simon!!!!

3. My cats! Even if they wake me up at six o'clock every morning by walking all over me...

4. Music! Without Music life would be so dull! Thank you Dad for introducing me to so much of it!

5. Writing Poetry, without which I would quite often lack for a way to say things!

6. Singing! Two me it is the second best way to express feelings and emotions!

7. Painting! I love to paint! Just don't do nearly as much of it as I would want to!!!!

8. Family! Old and New, nearby and far away, close and estranged! Family is the most important thing in the world! (Should that have been #1?)


8 Things I want to do before I die

1. Marry my fiancé! With our track record of postponing it for one reason or another it might not happen until I am old and grey...

2. See my daughters happy and successful with their life!

3. Travel the world! Or at least as much of it as I can, specifically Bhutan and Nepal!

4. Work on a Peter Jackson Movie (Even if it is only as 25th Make-up Artist Assistant!)

5. Finish a book! The one I started years ago, or the one I started this year or one I may start in the future... I just really want to finish one of them...

6. See may name in Print on the cover of said book!

7. See the world in peace, even if it is only for a day!

8. Have my own house! Or at least rent one that feels like my own!



8 Things I often say

1. "Duh!!!"

2. "Weißt Du?" (You know...?

3. "Stop that, ....Now!!!!!"

4. yelling: "..." (first daughters name)

5. yelling: "..." (second daughters name)

6. yelling: "..." (both their names)

7. "Time to get up. ... Come on, you need to get up. ... You're going to be late. ... Get up now!!!!!!!"

8. "Stop biting my feet!!!!!" (to Gaya (cat) in the mornings when she has not yet been fed"


8 Books I’ve recently or currently reading

1. The five books of "The Belgariad" by David Eddings

2. The five books of "The Malloreon" by David Eddings

3. So far the first five books of the "Deverry Series" by Kathrine Kerr (at the moment I am reading "A time of exile"

4. "Harry Potter - The deathly Hallows" J.K. Rowling

5. "Magyk" and "Flyte" by Angie Sage

6. "The Bartimaeus Trilogy" by Jonathan Stroud

7. Eoin Colfer's "Artemis Fowl" series and I am anxiously awaiting the next one!!!

8. All sorts of poetry by many different authors


8 Songs I could listen to over and over (as we are talking songs I won't mention the numerous pieces of classical music)

8 Things that attract me to my best friends

1. Honesty

2. Loyalty

3. Humor

4. The Differences

5. The Similarities

6. Authenticity

7. The fact that they actually want to be my friends...

8. That I can be myself with them, without having to worry about whether they will still talk to me tomorrow...


8 People I think should do Crazy 8s

1. Ramblings of Sahm because I have not kept up with her Blog much and feel guilty...

2. Living Hope because she is simply a great person I would find her answers very interesting

3. Opinion Minions for the same reason as #1

4. Toms' Hideaways because I think he needs to post fewer pictures and let us know more about him :-)

5. Two Write Hands I have to admit that it is the same reason as #1 and #3

6. By the Way because I think that she is almost as nuts as I am ... :-)

7. Writer Cramps because she is German and I live in Germany...

8. For all the world to see because I had promised her a long time ago to do something for her and then never got round to it... So this is my way of saying "I am sorry" and at the same time giving her the opportunity to send a few choice words my way for being tagged! And because I think she is a fantastic writer!

St. Nikolaus and the Choir

So I have finally gotten round to joining a choir again.
Yesterday was my first practice and it was a lot of fun. It is a "gospel" choir is called "Heart and Soul" and is lead by a woman called Hedwig von Mayerhofer. She really knows her stuff!
The reason for the " " on the "gospel" bit is because I don't really think that "good ole German white folk" can really sing gospel, but we are pretty good anyways!!! :-)

Here are 2 audio samples (by another choir) of the two songs we learned yesterday.

Between Heaven and Earth

and

To the left, to the right

Oh did I tell you already that I talked a friend into making the ears and tails? She did a really great job with it too. My kids are now the best looking mice in the play!!!!!!!!!
The ears and tails are currently in school but when they come back I will take a picture. Promise!

I think most of you know, that I am still signed of sick (have been for quite a while now) and it is now getting to the stage, where I am being swamped with paperwork from various branches of the government. They all want to know almost exactly the same things but their questionnaires are all different and all in various forms of legalese! Not fun!



Apart from that it is St. Nikolaus of Myra day tomorrow. In Germany it is tradition that the children put a boot outside the door and during the night St. Nikolaus comes and puts sweets in the boots of good children and coals in the ones of the bad ones, very much like Santa Clause (Father Christmas for my English readership :-) ). You can find some more information here

This evening we were out chasing "Rumpelklausen".
The Rumpeklausen are an "Allgäuer" tradition that has it's origins somewhere with the Celts. The young, unmarried lads from a village or town dress up in rags and furs and run around the village chasing away the demons and bad spirits and scare little children into good behavior while they're at it! LOL
This website will give you a little insight into the tradition although it is in German, but I think pictures in this case say more than a thousand words.
So as I said, we were out for a walk this evening and although my girls have rather big mouths when it comes to teasing and taunting the Rumpelklausen when they are far away across a street, they ran pretty, darn fast, when the Klausen came after them...



My kids are actually quite lucky because in our home we have a symbiosis of German, British and American traditions. We celebrate St. Nikolaus day, the Christkind comes on Christmas Eve and Santa Claus/Father Christmas brings the rest of the presents.
I think my girls are currently at the stage where they know that all these things are not real, but they choose to believe it anyways so they quite anxiously put their boots out and went to bed very well behaved!

Let's see if St. Nikolaus brings anything tonight...



Last but not least, here is a little treat I found today (or rather my mum found it and told me about it):
There is a band called "Fisher" and they have put 8 Christmas songs on their website to download for free, including a cover and inside artwork!
I think the songs are lovely and I also think that this is a very nice Christmas gesture.
So go ahead and download a bit of Christmas spirit into your home:
Fisher Christmas Songs Downloads

Another one of those boring posts...

I really have no idea what to write here but I feel the overwhelming urge to write something...
Well, Simon is back in the UK and parting does not get any easier. You'd think that after almost two years of this backwards and forwards thing we would be used to it by now, but it seems to be getting more difficult each time (to say goodbye I mean).
Well, he will be back after Christmas.
My first Christmas without him in four years...

Oh, I have been coughing all night. Guess I caught the virus that seems to be going around, well at least one of them as there are several...

The dance recital went really well. My younger one chased down a local celebrity and got his autograph and now she is in love... LOL
The lad is a really good dancer though so at least she has taste.
And her infatuation is of the harmless, silly kind, so I am not really worried.

Well, my older one is staying home from school today as she has an upset tummy... (Seems like she caught one of the other viruses...)
Great! This tends to mean that it is first her, then her sister, then me and then them again... Especially since things never seem to last very long with the kids but linger for weeks with me as my immune system is shot to pieces, thanks to my illness and the various meds...
Simon tends to tease me saying that I should wear a bell shouting "unclean, unclean" in these situations.
Bet he's glad he's not here for this!

Enough rambling for now...
I think I am heading back to bed myself.

Bye Bye Baby!

Somehow this updating regularly business really isn't working properly at the moment. For all the good intentions I just don't have the drive for it at the moment.
Maybe it is because in the last few months I have had to come to terms with one very difficult fact.
I will never have another Baby!
I am currently having medical treatment leading up to surgery because I have problems with my "female bits".
So the treatment I am getting is not only putting me artificially into menopause (at 30!!!!!!!!) but I also have pretty much every side effect that is in the book!
Including depression!
And depression is definitely a downer when it comes to doing anything, regularly...

Well (or not for that matter), as I already said, I will never be able to get pregnant again. The surgery will take care of that.
And I know what people will say, are saying:
"But you already have two beautiful daughters!"
I know I do.
and
"There are so many women that have the same problem and no children!"
I know that as well.

It still does not change the fact, that first of all, I really wanted to have a child with Simon and also that it closes a chapter I am just not ready to close yet.
I have tried to explain to Simon, why this was upsetting me so much and I honestly couldn't find the words to explain it. All I know, is that I am feeling a severe sense of loss.
Maybe "grief" is the right word? Grief for a baby, that in a way I was looking forward to welcoming into this world and that I will now never meet?
Does that make sense?



On top of that all the other medical problems are piling up and are getting on top of me and all the different treatments are driving me nuts.
The painkillers make me drowsy and tired, one is making me nervous and another one is making me nauseous...
So i have decided to do one thing after another much to the dismay of my health insurance who think, that I should be doing everything all at once so they don't have to pay up for such a long time, no matter how much a toll it takes on my body and my mental health...
Bureaucrats!



Apart from that we are keeping busy...
The kids are in a play at school which I am going to have the privilege of watching on the 18th of December, although I don't know which of my children I will be seeing, as there are two casts for the play because there were so many kids wanting to participate this year.
The younger one has decided take up gymnastics and Jazz Dance She has left Football (Soccer) after having been driven away by some unruly boys earlier this year.
She has given it some thought though and decided to go back this Friday and tough it out! Good for her.

The older one is still doing Irish Dance and has her first hard shoe performance this upcoming Monday! I think I am almost as nervous as she is.



Simon is coming on Friday and we will be celebrating a late Thanksgiving on Sunday, which reminds me that I still have to go to the local farmer and get a turkey.For a strange reason I am actually looking forward to a day of cooking and doing dishes...

There is only on snag with Thanksgiving this year. I have had a falling out with my brother and I don't think he will be coming. I think it actually hurts me more than him...
I really want to reconcile things with him but I can't quite get myself to make the first step, again!
He said some things, that really hurt me and he, again, has not kept promises he made to me and the kids. And I don't know, how I am going to approach him without giving him the impression that it was OK to treat us the way he did. But I do know, that if I don't make the first step I will probably never talk to my brother again...

Oh and I bought myself an alto flute so I can accompany my older one on the recorder. No I have to practise reading music again...
We are endeavoring to play some Christmas music at our pre-x-mas-chill-out evening, an event I have called into live in order to have some calm time before Christmas as nowadays it is always so hectic!
So a few friends of ours and us are meeting to have a nice relaxed evening with cookies and carol singing, where we can remember the true meaning of Christmas! Sounds cheesy I know, but it is really cool!


I think I am doing a good job repressing my pain, don't you?...
Sorry, sarcastic, evil Jeannine has the upper hand lately.

Still alive...

Just wanted to let you all know, that I am still here.
Sick as a dog (again) but still alive...
Well barely... LOL

Oh well, I guess I am gonna have to write some more fairly soon...
Will try to give you an update in the next few days. I promise!!!

Picassina

My eldest had to paint Picasso's "Girl with Pigeon" in school.
This is the result:



They used watercolors. She got a 1- (German equivalent to an A-) for it. I think it is great!

This is the original:

When I was about her 13 I had to paint it as well.
I used oil paints and I guess that is when I discovered my love for painting. I am going to have to start painting again!

This is my version. It is inverted and I ran out of paper on the bottom so it is an extract. :-)