My 2009 so far...

a great sea of uncertainty
depth unknown
no directions, no signs
swimming toward land I can not see
struggling through the pain
fighting the current
an sense of helplessness
so tired
...
exhaustion comes fast
...
treading water
...
praying for a lifeline

Christmas Moments

© Claudia Chauvin

My mother took me to see a Show on Saturday.
She had to write about it for the local newspaper.
It was called Christmas Moments and it was superb!
From a Jazz version of "Silent Night" to Pinks "Dear Mr President" the range was varied and very well performed.
Interludes by the "Christmas Spirits" (Alexander Grünberg) with thought provoking words left the audience quiet and deeply moved and at other times laughing so hard it brought tears to their eyes.

From the soulful voice (Meike Anlauff) to the jazzy Tenor (Oliver Rohles) and the strong, full voice of Beatrice Reece there was a very interesting mixture of performers. Simone Clemens and David Moore also left memorable impressions. Accompanied with great skill by Thomas Schwab and his Band it was a magical evening!

But it was in the end, that the "Chistmas Spirit" left us, moved into silence, with a deeply touching interpretation of Rolf Krenzer's poem "Wann fängt Weihnachten an":

© Claudia Chauvin

Wann fängt Weihnachten an?
Wann- ja wann?

Wenn der Schwache
dem Starken die Schwäche ergibt,
wenn der Starke die Kraft des Schwachen liebt,
wenn der Habewas mit dem Habenichts teilt,
wenn der Laute bei dem Stummen verweilt
und begreift was der Stumme ihm sagen will,
wenn das Leise laut wird und das Laute still,
wenn das Bedeutungsvolle bedeutungslos,
das scheinbar Unwichtige wichtig und groß,
wenn mitten im Dunkel ein winziges Licht
Geborgenheit, helles Leben verspricht,
und du zögerst nicht,
sondern du gehst so wie du bist drauf zu,

dann- ja dann fängt Weihnachten an!

Here is an approximate translation by me:

When, oh when begins Christmas?
When - Oh when?

When the weak forgive the strong their weaknesses
and the strong learns to love the strength in the weak
when the have-gots share with the have-nots
when the loud spends time with the mute
and understands what the mute means to say,
when the quiet becomes loud and the noisy hushed,
when important things become meaningless,
and the non relevant major and huge,
when in the dark a tiny light
promises life and shelter,
and you don't hesitate,
but walk towards it just as you are.
Then - oh then Christmas begins!

For my daughters!

Edvard Munch "Mother and Daughter"

I was given the task to write down, what I like about my daughters. For some reason, I found it very difficult putting my feelings and emotions into "normal" words.
So I decided to write a poem. Here is the first draft. What do you think?

A Smile, a hug, a tender kiss

Is all I need to make my day.

I sometimes wonder what it is,

that makes you special in that way.

You drive me nuts, you drive me crazy,

when you don’t listen, you don’t care

You trash you room and you are lazy

don’t brush your teeth and knot your hair

But most of all you make me love you

with the simplest, strangest things.

Like when you made that oddly goo

and called it breakfast in the mornings.

Or when you sing your songs off-key,

so loud, it nearly breaks the glass.

You mean so much, and all to me,

more every day that comes to pass.

You lay in bed diagonally,

have a peculiar sense of style

You share you sweets with me quite fairly

and you are weird once in a while.

You rub your eyes when you are tired,

you bite your lips when in despair,

you pick your nose, oh so inspired

and round your finger twist your hair.

Your lips, your eyes, your hair, your nose,

your every fibre of your being,

makes you, you and I suppose

that it’s the things that I am seeing,

that warm my heart and make me think,

that even though you tick me off,

I am afraid sometimes to blink.

For should I miss, a smile, a cough,

I would have missed something profound.

And that, my dearest daughter mine,

I do not want. My heart is bound

to you, my love. Your smile does shine

Now and for all eternity!

Lions and Tigers and Bears...Oh my

Remember I wrote a poem called "A Thousand Goodbyes" a while back. Well, I submitted it to a poetry contest and I would be grateful, if you could vote on it.
Rate my poem
Thank you! :-)

I have not been posting much again, mainly due to the fact, that I am really not well. Painkillers stopped working (again) so (quite obviously) the pain was/is getting worse. My doc prescribed straight up Morphine now...
As you might know, I am actually quite against strong painkillers like that so I only take it when all else fails and I can't cope without anymore.
Why? Well, just look at the list of side effects:

• shallow breathing, slow heartbeat;

• seizure (convulsions);

• cold, clammy skin;

• confusion;

• severe weakness or dizziness; or

• feeling light-headed, fainting.

• constipation;

• warmth, tingling, or redness under your skin;

• nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, diarrhea, loss of appetite;

• dizziness, headache, anxiety;

• memory problems; or

• sleep problems (insomnia).

I have most of those anyways, so taking medication that will cause or possibly increase them, does not bear great prospects for me!
Oh well, let's see how this all progresses.
I need to go back into hospital fairly soon because they might have to replace the shunt, as it is not working anymore. I wish there was an easier way to do all this. I really don't fancy having my head shaved, again! I know it sounds so trivial in comparison, since it is just hair, but I would really like to keep it!
Running around with a shaved head makes it so obvious to everyone. People look at you and think "poor woman". They treat you differently and even though, ten years ago, I would have given anything to have a visible sign of my illness, I really don't want and need that anymore.
Why did I want to have physical, visible evidence of my illness, you wonder?
I wasn't diagnosed with pseudotumor until 2001. Until then, I knew something was wrong but no one else believed me. I was considered a hypochondriac, a malingerer and since only very specific tests reveal the pseudotumor (tests, that unless he know what you are looking for no doctor would perform) I had no proof. As a result, I began to question my own sanity.
So when the ER (A&E) doc, who treated me after a black out said that he might have an idea what it was and that he needed to run some tests, I was so relieved.
Strange isn't it? When someone tells you that you are very ill , and it is an alleviation rather than "bad news".
So as I said, back then it would have been, lets say "useful" to have something that showed my illness but now I find it more of a burden.
Oh and I hate wigs, so that is sort of out of the question. Guess I have to revert to a bandanna or something like that. Just have to find one that I like - I am rather picky with those.
And then I have to keep my kids from borrowing them all the time... :-)

So I guess it is off to see the wizard, soon.
Wonder whether he could give me a new body...?

Today I cry

Today I Cry

Accepting the inevitable

Coming to terms

My life did not turn out

To be

As I planned

It

Betrayed my dreams

Today I cry

Saying goodbye to a life

Unsure of another

Not knowing what is

To come

To an understanding

With

What has to happen

Today I cry

I cry away my old life

My old dreams

My expectations

And cautiously tread a new path

Where will it lead me?

What will it bring?

Not knowing – Today I cry

by Jeannine B.

A New HAIKU

Air beneath my wings
Soaring through the cold, blue skies
Eternity sings

poetry.com

Look, I won the daily Haiku contest on the 9th with belows Haiku!
http://www.poetry.com/Haiku/PreviousWinners.asp
I was quite surprised to see my name there.

HAIKU

Loneliness shall cease
Certainty is longed for now
Together we flow




It has been a very long time since I was inspired to write Haiku!
Above is a try. I would love to see yours!
Please leave your Haiku in Comments.
Oh and for those who don't know what a Haiku is, here is the definition:

hai·ku (hī'kū)
n., pl. haiku also -kus.

1. A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.

Curious Life

No, I still can't tell my secret!!!!! But I will reveal when the time is right. Promise!
No news on the car, the electrician will be here next Tuesday and the kids are off school tomorrow (or rather today now) because of the storm.
Now, that that is out of the way I might as well tell you, that I really don't feel like writing tonight!
I have been avoiding this page on my screen for the last 2 1/2 hours!!! Talking on the phone to Simon and reading other peoples Thursday Thirteens.
As you might guess, today wasn't good.
I have had some interesting conversations though. Since I started blogging I have been talking to so many people. It is amazing how one point of view can really influence another's.
Now amongst all the gallimaufry of my day I was inspired!

Curious wonder
how a candle burns as bright as a thousand fires and lights the darkness
how its flame can warm a hundred peoples hearts
Curious awe
how a drop of water can quench a dying mans thirst
how its coolness can put out a childish burning fever
Curious admiration
how a word can change society
how its power sends a shiver down the spine

A candle, a drop of water, a word
Forgotten in the grand perspective
Sneered at in disbelief

The candle lights the way
The drop of water maintains us
The word empowers us

Curious life
that leads us down a path without light
that lets us die of thirst, burns us up with fever, that causes our souls to freeze
but in its own justice gives us the word
so we can save ourselves.

See how a word can change the world!

I haven't written in a long time! I wonder what it was that caused me to write this today?

... The Full Story

Grrrrrrrrrrr I am not a happy bunny!!!
I was in the middle of writing a very long blog when my PC crashed!
Do you know how, when you have written something, and you lost it due to your computer hating you, you really don't feel like writing it all again!!!

Oh, well.
Here I go again:

After the kids woke me up this morning I turned the dishwasher on and then considered going back to bed for an hour or so. I decided against it and went to check my email. While I was sitting there, reading and replying to my mails, I wondered what that smell was. Then I remembered: Six months ago my dishwasher was on fire. Electrician came and exchanged the circuit board. Dishwasher has been fine since.
Now this smell was exactly the same. So I dashed into the kitchen and low and behold:
There were flames coming out between the top of the dishwasher and the worktop accompanied by malodorous wads of gray smoke!
So I ran to my fuse box, turned the power of, ran back to the kitchen, opened the dishwasher (carefully) and drenched the whole thing in lots of water. (Thank you for expandable kitchen sink hoses!!!!) After that of course I had to mop up my kitchen before all the water started to seep through to my downstairs neighbors.
And that stench is persistent. Even though I had the windows open all day (which is why I came home to an icy cold flat this evening) what greeted me on my home coming was the rather irritating, eye watering, making your throat scratchy stink of burnt plastic...
So tomorrow I will kick up a stink with the shop I bought it from and the manufacturer as well. No more fixing it this time! I want a new one before my entire flat burns down and we get killed in the process!!!!!
A bit dramatic I know but hey, I work in the Theater and Film Industry!
What do you expect?
Which brings me to the remainder of my day today (and I am now constantly saving this post as a draft - think I am getting paranoid).
Bilbo was early and Beorn was late but my Dwarfs were terrific today and all in all it was pretty stress free.
Next Weekend will be the last two performances. Kind of sad that, saying goodbye to all the people and not having the hustle and bustle anymore. For a little while the stage sort of becomes your home (even if it is just an amateur stage). I never like leaving a set or a stage.
While you are there you kind of "leave earth and go to a different planet". (saved it again...) I sometimes find it difficult, at least for a short while, to cope with the real world again. Oh well, there will always be a next time. :-)
Well, now I am at the point where my computer crashed previously and I am tired!
Writing a blog (you don't really want to re-write) whilst having a skype conversation with three people, isn't the easiest of tasks... :-)
Until we meet again!

I will leave you with my favorite poem (not by me, obviously)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Sonnet No. 116 by William Shakespeare



Above picture can be found on this website: www.literarycalligraphy.com/

Ode to Simon

The Odds

Coincidence?

Chance meeting?

Maybe destiny?

What were the odds?

A Union of minds.

An Alliance of souls.

An embrace of hearts.

What were the odds?

A comprehension.

A certainty.

A Complacency.

What were the Odds?

A meeting of coincidence?

A complacent union of comprehensive hearts?

A coincidental alliance?

What were the odds?

Chance?

Destiny?

No!

Predestined!

The Fighter

Moving, turning, ever changing. Life!
He stands fast.

Like a rock.
Graceful.
Moving in the blink of an eye.
Turning with exhilarating agility.
An icon of discipline.

Ever-changing.
Standing still.

Striving to perfect.
Total harmony.

Spirit,

Heart,

Mind.

Total control.
He loves the art.

The art loves him.
They are in unison.

Belonging.
In the chaos of life.

Driven by the force.
He stands fast.

Like a rock.

The root of all.
Good and evil.

One and the other.

United.
Total harmony.

Always seeking,
Striving to perfect.

Spirit, heart and mind.
He is the yin and the yang,
The student and the teacher,
The question and the answer,
Both sides of the sword.
And through it all.

He stands fast.

© Jeannine B.