Bye Bye Baby!

Somehow this updating regularly business really isn't working properly at the moment. For all the good intentions I just don't have the drive for it at the moment.
Maybe it is because in the last few months I have had to come to terms with one very difficult fact.
I will never have another Baby!
I am currently having medical treatment leading up to surgery because I have problems with my "female bits".
So the treatment I am getting is not only putting me artificially into menopause (at 30!!!!!!!!) but I also have pretty much every side effect that is in the book!
Including depression!
And depression is definitely a downer when it comes to doing anything, regularly...

Well (or not for that matter), as I already said, I will never be able to get pregnant again. The surgery will take care of that.
And I know what people will say, are saying:
"But you already have two beautiful daughters!"
I know I do.
and
"There are so many women that have the same problem and no children!"
I know that as well.

It still does not change the fact, that first of all, I really wanted to have a child with Simon and also that it closes a chapter I am just not ready to close yet.
I have tried to explain to Simon, why this was upsetting me so much and I honestly couldn't find the words to explain it. All I know, is that I am feeling a severe sense of loss.
Maybe "grief" is the right word? Grief for a baby, that in a way I was looking forward to welcoming into this world and that I will now never meet?
Does that make sense?



On top of that all the other medical problems are piling up and are getting on top of me and all the different treatments are driving me nuts.
The painkillers make me drowsy and tired, one is making me nervous and another one is making me nauseous...
So i have decided to do one thing after another much to the dismay of my health insurance who think, that I should be doing everything all at once so they don't have to pay up for such a long time, no matter how much a toll it takes on my body and my mental health...
Bureaucrats!



Apart from that we are keeping busy...
The kids are in a play at school which I am going to have the privilege of watching on the 18th of December, although I don't know which of my children I will be seeing, as there are two casts for the play because there were so many kids wanting to participate this year.
The younger one has decided take up gymnastics and Jazz Dance She has left Football (Soccer) after having been driven away by some unruly boys earlier this year.
She has given it some thought though and decided to go back this Friday and tough it out! Good for her.

The older one is still doing Irish Dance and has her first hard shoe performance this upcoming Monday! I think I am almost as nervous as she is.



Simon is coming on Friday and we will be celebrating a late Thanksgiving on Sunday, which reminds me that I still have to go to the local farmer and get a turkey.For a strange reason I am actually looking forward to a day of cooking and doing dishes...

There is only on snag with Thanksgiving this year. I have had a falling out with my brother and I don't think he will be coming. I think it actually hurts me more than him...
I really want to reconcile things with him but I can't quite get myself to make the first step, again!
He said some things, that really hurt me and he, again, has not kept promises he made to me and the kids. And I don't know, how I am going to approach him without giving him the impression that it was OK to treat us the way he did. But I do know, that if I don't make the first step I will probably never talk to my brother again...

Oh and I bought myself an alto flute so I can accompany my older one on the recorder. No I have to practise reading music again...
We are endeavoring to play some Christmas music at our pre-x-mas-chill-out evening, an event I have called into live in order to have some calm time before Christmas as nowadays it is always so hectic!
So a few friends of ours and us are meeting to have a nice relaxed evening with cookies and carol singing, where we can remember the true meaning of Christmas! Sounds cheesy I know, but it is really cool!


I think I am doing a good job repressing my pain, don't you?...
Sorry, sarcastic, evil Jeannine has the upper hand lately.